Monday, April 25, 2005

  Monday Morning Mirth  

from the pages of the Washington Post Style Invitational: take a hyphenated heading from the top of a page of the Yellow Pages and define it…

Alcohol-Apartments: Universities used to call these “dormitories.” (Elden Carnahan

Attorneys-Audiologists: Lawyers who guarantee they’ll get you a hearing. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.

Automotive-Bail: What you’ll have to pay if you’re found parked on Constitution Avenue at 4:00:00.00001 p.m. on weekdays (Elden Carnahan)

Balancing-Balloons: Silicone implants on just one side to “even things up.” (Russell Beland)

Billing-Blood: A loan shark’s late payment fee. (Harold Kerr, Takoma Park)

Chiropractors-Christmas: A forecast of freezing rain and heavy, wet snow. (Brendan Beary)

Curtain-Dancing: What burlesque queens resort to when they’ve lost the figure for fan-dancing. (Brendan Beary)

Can-Car: Pulled by the Little Engine That Could (Pam Sweeney, Germantown)

Child-Duct: An FCC-acceptable euphemism for part of the female anatomy. (Pam Sweeney)

Demolition-Dentists: Let us rearrange your mouth in a single visit. (Marty McCullen)

Environmental-Escort: Ooh, I’ll maketh you lie down in green pastures, big boy! (Harold Kerr)

Foam-Foods: The nation’s top supplier of airline meals. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Financial-Fire: For when cooking the books didn’t work well enough. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)

Granite-Grocers: Specializing in those holiday fruitcakes. (Stevens R. Miller, Ashburn)

Kitchen-Labor: Term of endearment likely to go over even less well than “the old ball and chain.” (Russell Beland)

Lawn-Lawyers: Little statues of guys in business suits holding attache cases — for the discriminating homeowner who’d never have a lawn jockey. (Russell Beland)

Lumber-Magicians: Your friends at Pfizer. (Michelle Stupak)

Mattresses-Memorial: Hugh Hefner’s already planning his grave site . . . (Les Greenblatt, Ann Arbor, Mich.)

Paper-Parapsychologists: Practitioners who, instead of attending a rigorous school, simply got their parapsychology credentials from a diploma mill. (Russell Beland)

Real-Refrigerators: A Food Network reality show featuring spur-of-the-moment dishes like Worcestershire Sauce and Two-Year-Old Olives Wrapped in Brown Lettuce. (Tom Kreitzberg)

Rubber-Safe: Where the bank puts the bounced checks. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

Radio-Ready: Less than photogenic: “That guy has a face that’s radio-ready.” (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)

Sewer-Sewing: The latest fad since extreme ironing competitions. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

Stools-Storage: Label on a vault in Howard Hughes’s home. (Pam Sweeney)

Tree-Trophies: What beavers proudly display in their lodges. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)

Wedding-Welding: Up to 40 percent less likely to be put asunder! (Tom Cary, Hollywood, Md.)

Women’s-Zoning: A wife’s rules for use of a house’s public space. Seldom written down; usually enforced with a simple “You’re not putting that in here, are you?” (Brendan Beary)

Yacht-Zoos: Noah’s three sons launch a successful business chain. (Roy Ashley, Washington